A Healing Balm – November 10, 2018

An Inward Journey of Recovery

This year has, in many ways, been an inward journey of recovery. It has been a revelation to come face to face with issues of trauma and co-dependency, stemming from family of origin issues. My mother’s father was an alcoholic and the damaging legacy of this was never addressed and resolved. Whilst my mother did not repeat this pattern when she married my father, the unresolved issues of abandonment, manipulation, control, lack of love and trust stemming from how my mother was parented were carried through to her children – namely, myself.

Unresolved Issues

I married a violent, narcisstic man who was heavily drug addicted and at times alcoholic. What I have realised is that I subconsciously chose this man in order to to recreate the original unhealed scenario experienced by my mother – and to attempt to heal it (and my ex-husband). The journey to safety and healing where I now recognise that I am allowed to have my needs met, that I am allowed to receive love and nurturing and that I am allowed to set boundaries and practise self-care has been, in short, a life-changing experience for me.

Poetry Has Helped

As a way of bringing order to my internal chaos, writing poetry has been a true blessing. Here is a poem I wrote after recognising that I was damaged and traumatised by the way in which I was parented. My Mum is no longer alive and I feel such compassion for the child she was, who also was damaged and traumatised. My recovery is ongoing, as more issues come to light and are processed. And I welcome the journey into my pain. In my experience, through being able to embrace my deep pain, deep transformation has occurred. And this transformation applies not only to myself, but to my own children – and the generations to come. The pattern of harm is broken. Praise God!

“The Apple of His Eye?”

What is this world of
Walking wounded?
Are we all
Frozen fast?

Trapped within
Our loss of present?
Bound within
Our gain of past?

Formless scream,
Anguished,
Yawning,
Pit of torment,
Why oh why?

Where were you,
When I was me?
Where were you,
When I died inside?

Has my life
Been one big lie?
Please!
I’m asking “Why?”
I’m pleading here,
I’m begging scraps,
It’s real,
I can’t deny.

I’m caught, impaled,
My pain vibrates,
The veil is torn
Away.

It’s hard,
So hard,
Not to run,
distracted.
Instead,
I fight to stay.

Will I now see,
That there is hope?
Can I now find the way?
To live,
Large, bright and fully,
Can I now,
Simply,
Stay?

Cos I can’t keep doing
And I can’t keep going
Can I chance some
Intimacy?

Can I stop and face
This nameless terror?
This shameful mess
Of me?

I want to find that elusive place
That place that is safe
To be.
That place of welcome,
So loving, so warm,
That place,
Where I am me.

I have been shown,
That remembered place,
That place where I am known,
That place,
His place,
That blessed place,
That place I know is Home.

That place, that place,
Does it exist?
Where my frozen heart can thaw?
I’m collapsed upon the threshold
Of the Saviour’s Open door.

I asked,
I knocked,
He answered,
He whispered “Come on in”,
He washed me tenderly,
Fed me beautifully,
Held me from within.

He rocked me,
Gently,
Till I slept,
Held me
Fiercely
Yet tenderly.

Such sweet, pure honeyed
Serenity,
Tailor made
For me.

And as He sang me
His lullaby,
That ministered
Completely,
To me,
My wounds were dressed,
And started to heal.
Is this what it means to be free?

Is this where I know my Daddy God?
With no more need for “Why?”
Is this where I crawl into His lap?

The apple of His eye?

I pray God’s richest blessings of healing and transformation upon your life.

Psalm 71
God the Rock of Salvation
In You, O LORD, I put my trust;
Let me never be put to shame.
Deliver me in Your righteousness, and
cause me to escape;
Incline Your ear to me, and save me.
3 Be my strong refuge,
To which I may resort continually;
You have given the commandment to
save me,
For You are my rock and my fortress.

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